the missing piece in me????

You know the feeling that you get when you don’t really know what you actually want in life? And when that frustrates you..you start showing your temper to all the people around you..and at that particular time all that you want to do is just get away and go somewhere far,far,far, away and be alone..because by being alone you will feel peaceful and then when you come back you can start from the beginning all over again..start fresh.. well that is exactly what I am going through and feeling now…I am lost I don’t know what I really want..and when this happens I start shouting and yelling at people around me for no apparent reason and I hate myself for it..i am just so depressed…. And the best part is I don’t know why....

Have you ever felt that you never have anything in life to look forward to..nothing at all..have you ever felt that the sole and single thing that you wanted in live was company..a company from a person who understood you more than anyone else..a company of a person who will always be there for you through thick and thin; through laughter and sorrow, a company of a person who is a listener and guide both at the same time, a company of a person who accepts you for who you are and not who you are supposed to be, a company of a person who loves you no matter how you look, a company of your mum..a person I miss so dearly..who look for up and down,… and yet I just can’t find her..she is gone and will I ever be able to find a replacement..i wonder…. As I did and I feel that I am losing them…

I miss my friends all of them the people who gave me shelter and comfort whenever I was down..the people who always made me laugh and forget the loss of my mum..i never felt the emptiness in me when I was in college as seeing all my friends ever day and making them laugh over some silly thing I did made me happy in some way…even during holidays I never felt the loss as I knew when the holidays was over I will see my friends all over again..people who were almost like me the carzy lot or what the Malaysians call “ sama kepala”. I felt so complete when I was with all my friends. Never felt the emptiness that was within. Never felt like I was trying to be some else that I was not. I flet like myself. But now I don’t know who I am. I am so lost. Many a times I sit down and wonder who I really am. Who is the real me. Is the real me the old me who was prepared to confront the world and conquer the world no matter how tough it was or is the real me the new me who will admit defeat even before confrontation who has been forced to think that women are still not prepared to lead.and they should always be followers..who thinks that they can solely live by just being in the shell that they are in. I don’t know who is the real me… and what is that I really want.

But one thing for sure I like the old me..the me that was jovial..the me that taught I can conquer the world even though it was damn difficult ..the me that made my friends laugh…. The me..the real me… I want to be that again..i want back the spirit that I wants had in me and is dying..i want it back the fighting sprit…I want it back. I guess we all do .i wonder if my dear old friends who I miss so dearly help me get it back.. will you all help me get my spirit back..will you all help me get the old me back..and breath a new life into me that wants belonged to me and I am losing..will you all..Teslians…

Anyway I just wonder am I the only one who feels this way or what????? How about you all fellow educators??

something i never imagined

I never taught this will happen…never dreamt of it too… but I like the fact that it did…it gives me a reason to live…

I really never taught that the ALMIGHTY will give me another chance to sit beside all my fellow coursemates again in less then a year for this course. When I met all of them for the first time it was a bit awkward but now I feel like its all back to normal. and like wat the Ustad told today in the very beginning of his lecture no working colleagues can be like ur college frens is a very true fact don’t you think…

I or shall I say we have been for almost ten months now but tell me from the bottom of your hearts and no lies please..can anyone of your working colleagues replace anyone of your collegemates…I don’t know about you all..but for me..I have no doubt in adminting that my working colleagues are great all the teachers are ..but NO ONE can be like you all…everyone of you have touched my life in different ways..taught me different things and the best part is I can connect with everyone of you and we all almost agree on a number of things and have the same point of view on a number of things too…but why cant this be the same in school….its difficult rite when tak ada org yg sekepala kan…

Its so nice to see all of us online now and all busy bt assign..like d olden days rite..miss all of it..

Thanks to the maktab a million times for giving us this opportunity not only to meet each other but also revisit our teacher trainee days… and be lectured instead of giving the lecture…

I am going to miss you all..hopefully there will be many more occasions to come in which we can meet like this and rejuvenate our friendships…. We must make it happen don’t u all think so..remember always where there is a will there is a way….

Miss and luv all u ppl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p/s : I an not writing this because of anything but this is wat I feel la..anyone who is with me on this….

In the train...

Going in the train
I see
A station in which a mum is holding tight to her kid
In the next station I see
Another kid walking beside his father
And
In the next I see
A kid walking a distance away from her mum
In the next I see
A guy walking hand in hand with a girl
I wonder
When will I be there
But
The sight of the next station
Makes me thank GOD
For where I am now
I see an old woman walking alone
And an old man
Sleeping on the floor
I don’t want to be in this station
I will never let
My parents be there

Nor will I one anyone to be there too.

I wish that station was empty!

.

by Viloshena Ravandran

JUST LIKE BEFORE( A POEM FOR THE NEW YEAR)

People say,
A new year,
A new beginning,
But I wonder-
If it is true.


As tomorrow,
Is new year,
And-
I’ll get up in the morning,
Just like before,
Brush my teeth,
Just like before,
Have my breakfast,
Just like before,
Go to work,
Just like before,
Get stuck in the same old traffic jam,
Just like before,
Meet and talk to my friends,
Just like before,
Have lunch in the same old “mamak” stall,
Just like before,
Come back home just like before,
Face the same old music at home,
Just like before,
Cry on the inside and laugh on the outside,
Just like before,
Watch tv and read the paper with the same old news,
Just like before,
Have my dinner,
Just like before,
Go to bed,
Just like before,
And-
Get up in the morning-
JUST LIKE BEFORE

Now,
When everything happens-
Just like before,
How can people say,
A New Year ,
Is-
A new beginning,
That again,
Is said -
JUST LIKE BEFORE!

( P/S THINK ABOUT IT AND SEE IF I AM LYING OR TELLING THE TRUTH..HOW MANY TIMES IN OUR LIVES THAT THE NEW YEAR HAS ACTUALLY MADE A DIFFERENCE)