You know the feeling that you get when you don’t really know what you actually want in life? And when that frustrates you..you start showing your temper to all the people around you..and at that particular time all that you want to do is just get away and go somewhere far,far,far, away and be alone..because by being alone you will feel peaceful and then when you come back you can start from the beginning all over again..start fresh.. well that is exactly what I am going through and feeling now…I am lost I don’t know what I really want..and when this happens I start shouting and yelling at people around me for no apparent reason and I hate myself for it..i am just so depressed…. And the best part is I don’t know why....
Have you ever felt that you never have anything in life to look forward to..nothing at all..have you ever felt that the sole and single thing that you wanted in live was company..a company from a person who understood you more than anyone else..a company of a person who will always be there for you through thick and thin; through laughter and sorrow, a company of a person who is a listener and guide both at the same time, a company of a person who accepts you for who you are and not who you are supposed to be, a company of a person who loves you no matter how you look, a company of your mum..a person I miss so dearly..who look for up and down,… and yet I just can’t find her..she is gone and will I ever be able to find a replacement..i wonder…. As I did and I feel that I am losing them…
I miss my friends all of them the people who gave me shelter and comfort whenever I was down..the people who always made me laugh and forget the loss of my mum..i never felt the emptiness in me when I was in college as seeing all my friends ever day and making them laugh over some silly thing I did made me happy in some way…even during holidays I never felt the loss as I knew when the holidays was over I will see my friends all over again..people who were almost like me the carzy lot or what the Malaysians call “ sama kepala”. I felt so complete when I was with all my friends. Never felt the emptiness that was within. Never felt like I was trying to be some else that I was not. I flet like myself. But now I don’t know who I am. I am so lost. Many a times I sit down and wonder who I really am. Who is the real me. Is the real me the old me who was prepared to confront the world and conquer the world no matter how tough it was or is the real me the new me who will admit defeat even before confrontation who has been forced to think that women are still not prepared to lead.and they should always be followers..who thinks that they can solely live by just being in the shell that they are in. I don’t know who is the real me… and what is that I really want.
But one thing for sure I like the old me..the me that was jovial..the me that taught I can conquer the world even though it was damn difficult ..the me that made my friends laugh…. The me..the real me… I want to be that again..i want back the spirit that I wants had in me and is dying..i want it back the fighting sprit…I want it back. I guess we all do .i wonder if my dear old friends who I miss so dearly help me get it back.. will you all help me get my spirit back..will you all help me get the old me back..and breath a new life into me that wants belonged to me and I am losing..will you all..Teslians…
Anyway I just wonder am I the only one who feels this way or what????? How about you all fellow educators??
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10 years ago
1 comment:
well, i suppose we are all slowly losing our old selves. you know we have to face reality and grow up. do you want to fight the community or go with the flow? well, that's up to you...if you are too tired, take a break and fight again later.
you know, you sound like how i was those days when people thought i was a homo? :P luv ya girl!
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